Night before Fall Tour 2014 kicks off in Vancouver, BC. We discuss hand care, real Canada vs. Vancouver, performance spoilers and Tim Hortons.

RCBig weekend coming up in Vancouver. First show. Excited?

JCHYeah, I’m pretty excited. So I’m on Palmolive Lockdown.

RCPalmolive Lockdown?

JCH(Laughs) yeah, it’s where I start taking care of my hands–like Madge in those old TV commercials.

RCI don’t think anyone under fifty will get it.

JCHWell, maybe they watch Mad Men. Anyhoo. It means wearing gloves. Not digging in the garden. No fishing. Gardening Trying to remove paint to with my fingernails. That sort of thing.

RCSounds serious.

JCHIt is. It sounds so sissy and it’s really bitten me in the ass for decades. I used to sound different night after night because one night I would be playing with my fingernails and the next night I’d break a nail and changed my technique and then I’d bust something else and then play without nails it all and I would be like “don’t worry about it”. But…

RCBandleaders would get upset?

JCHLet’s just say that it’s completely reasonable to expect that people who work for you, who you’re paying good money putting up in nice hotels will be consistent. Unless you’re in a band where “creative expression” is where it’s at, you need to serve it up. I envy guys with their beautiful nails, but offstage, the the practical things you have to do to keep your hands in order are so limiting, so sissy I just could never do it.

There is a reason that guitar players play with a pick. Picks enable a lifestyle. You want to see the least partying guy in the band, look at the guy with the really fancy nails. He’s the one who goes back to his room and reads or watches porn.

JCHThe problem is that I get excited before these things. So I tend to start all these projects right before the tour and then bad things happen.

RCAs you say, there’s always porn.

JCHYeah, that’s probably easy on the hand. Get it? The hand? Did ya get that? ‘Cause if ya missed it, I can do that joke again. There’s only so much of that one can do. I watched The Wolf Of Wallstreet and they have this talk about jerking off twice a day just to cope with the pressure of being Masters Of The Universe. Which probably explains why I ain’t rich.

RCNot even going to go there. Any hints on what people can expect at the show?

JCHWell, since I’m not flying, I can take more stuff so I’ve worked up a fairly elaborate piece for fretless bass.

RCYour college instrument if I recall.

JCH(Laughs). Yes. I recently got my instrument updated and now I’m totally re-energized. It’s emblematic of this whole cliché of ‘guys overplay’, which is ridiculous. People stopped playing it because, frankly, it’s hard to play well, which just pisses me off. Bass players have become so lazy. Again (laughs). Anyhoo, it’s such a pass&eacute’ deal I think the Canuckistanis will like it.

RCThe Canuckistanis?

JCHYou haven’t heard that term? That’s the nickname for B.C. here. It kinda means…

RCOh, I get it.

JCHBut the thing about Vancouver is that it isn’t really Canada, you know?

RCI beg your pardon.

JCHWell, it is Canada, but it isn’t. Canada is Tim Hortons. Canadian Tire. The Kids In The Hall. Vancouver is like the San Francisco of Canada. I miss Canada Canada.
RCWell, then let’s forget dinner at Vij on Saturday. We can just get crullers and a giant burnt coffee at Timmies.

JCH(Laughs) no don’t do that. Vancouver is great I just heard that Burger King bought Tim Hortons and now I’m nostalgic. Is nothing sacred, man!